Dear athlete,
Please know this – life is tough, but you are not alone. That is something that took me far too long to learn. Whatever you’re going through, especially during these trying times in the midst of a global pandemic, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You are not the only athlete out there struggling to cope with the reality of your situation, and better yet, there are people like me who want to help in any way that I possibly can. Whether you’re dealing with physical injuries, mental health, or anything of the sort, what you’re experiencing is valid and okay. Even though you may feel like you’re the only person going through what you’re going through, you are not in the darkness all by yourself. There are other people who feel the same way you do, just waiting for things to get better.
Oftentimes, being an athlete becomes your whole identity. You can’t see yourself as anything but a player in a game. But you are so much more than that; you are a brother or a sister, a son or a daughter, an artist, a kind human being, intelligent, resilient, a hard worker, and so many other things. Identity outside of sport is a hard concept to take into consideration, but it is a necessary piece of living a full life as a human being. In an effort to demonstrate one of the ways in which you are not alone, I would like to share part of my story.
I am doing this because I truly believe that sharing your story is one of the most valuable things one can do. I, AK Subject, a Division One athlete, have an eating disorder. I have struggled with eating disorders for years, and just last year did I start reaching out for help and being brutally honest with people around me who could support me.
I felt embarrassed and ashamed for the way I struggled with food, body image, and my overall mental health. I was so hard on myself for struggling with a mental illness. Mental toughness and mental health are NOT the same things. They are separate entities – but that was something that I couldn’t wrap my head around until very recently. This year was a weird year for me. I was finally living out my dream, and the things I had waited for since I was a young gymnast were becoming my reality. Life looked as if it couldn’t be better. But you see, the thing is, I wasn’t able to fully experience anything. Why? My eating disorder.
I had never felt so loved, accepted, and supported, yet, I was also sick, and I blamed myself for it. But I didn’t choose to have an eating disorder. I have, however, chosen to fight against my eating disorder and choose life. A life where I live and thrive, not just exist. That is why, in 2020, I spent over six months in eating disorder treatment. It was hard as hell, but I am so grateful because it truly saved my life. I was lucky enough to be a patient at the Victory Program at McCallum Place and the Eating Recovery Center in Denver. I will forever be grateful for the people I met and the health that I have gained from getting the treatment that was necessary.
I was hesitant to talk about this part of my life for so long, but I know that seeing a story like this when I was younger would have made a significant impact on me. While I do have an eating disorder, it does not define me. I have so many other traits and characteristics that shine bright in the world. I know this, and I want to make sure that people see me as I really am—a flawed human being who is just trying their best.
I am strong, and I will keep fighting. And if you are struggling with an eating disorder or disordered eating, don’t be afraid to ask for help. There is nothing stronger than asking for help when you’re down. I wouldn’t have been able to make it through this year without the support of my teammates, family, and friends.
My story is not over yet. Yes, right now, eating is scary, but having an eating disorder for the rest of my life is scarier. If there is one thing that I have learned, it is that life is tough, but you are not alone. And hey, guess what? Athletes are humans too. To every athlete reading this, keep your faith, put one foot in front of the other, and know that better days are yet to come. You can do this. And, you are not alone – in whatever you are going through.
Love and Light,
AK Subject
