Dear Rugby Family,
It hurts to think about what could’ve been.
There’s a certain heavy weight of grief that I felt, and sometimes still do, when we were all told the term was cancelled. A sense of identity was lost. The first thought that passed through my mind was “well who the hell am I supposed to be now?”
I’m a student at Dartmouth, sure, but the minute I first stepped onto that campus freshmen year I was an athlete at Dartmouth first, because that felt special. That felt like an identity I could really resonate with, and I did. Even more so as a rugby player, because that was even better than feeling special, that made me an automatic badass.
The day we got the news I thought, “ Now I’m just a student.” Which is a huge privilege, let’s be real honest here. But without the jersey, the team, the practices, and coaches, I felt like half of a person, half of who I’ve been for the last four years.
So thank the lord that Spiderman was on TV that very same night, or else I would’ve never learned a certain valuable lesson from my second dad, Tony Stark. I turned on the TV to this scene:
Tony Stark: I’m gonna need the suit back.
Spiderman: For how long?
Tony Stark: Forever.
Spiderman: No, no. Please.
Tony Stark: Let’s have it.
Spiderman: Please, this is all I have. I’m nothing without this suit.
Tony Stark: If you’re nothing without this suit, then you shouldn’t have it.
Spiderman: 🙁
So, to some, this back and forth between Tony and Spiderman might be a little vague and confusing in relation to this letter. Let me show you how it went down through my own eyes:
Dartmouth: I’m gonna need the jersey back.
Me: For how long?
Dartmouth: Forever.
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO, no. Please.
Dartmouth: Let’s have it.
Me: Please, this is all I have. I’m nothing without this jersey.
Dartmouth: If you’re nothing without this jersey, then you shouldn’t have it.
*cue metaphorical lightbulb turning on over my head*
There’s a human under that jersey.
One who should realize that just because you can’t wear the jersey anymore doesn’t mean you have to lose all that it brought to you; the lessons, the strength, the memories… the family.
The jersey brought me to a place where I needed to learn how to be a better person, a better teammate, a leader, someone who could be vulnerable, someone who could be weird, someone who could be fearless and try new things they’ve never done before! The jersey brought me there, and now I am here.
Here is good.
Here is with my family, a safe home, food and water, and love every day.
So, you’re probably wondering what my answer was to “who the hell am I supposed to be now?”
Well, I’ll tell ya.
I feel a lot less like a student-athlete. The rugger part never left. The badass part was probably there all along, let’s be real. Confidence is high, clearly. My college experience doesn’t feel over, yet I feel a large sense of gratitude towards it already, especially rugby. Every memory, good or bad, has a place in my heart. I know this team is special because it hurts and it heals all at the same time when I think of us. This team taught me to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. It’s a lesson I’ve used in the gym, on the field, in classrooms, in auditions, and now pretty much every day. It’s a habit I hope to never break because it’s brought so much further in life than I could have ever imagined.
There’s a lot of other lessons I’ve learned from this team over the years, but I hope to leave you with a new one:
If you’re nothing without the jersey, then you shouldn’t have it.
Just because I don’t have the jersey doesn’t mean I still can’t be a leader, or a hard worker, or have confidence in my skills. Just because I don’t have the jersey doesn’t mean I’m not on this team. It doesn’t mean I’m not a part of this family.
It means I don’t need it anymore to remind me to be a leader, a hard worker, or a good human. I just am now, thanks to all the jerseys before me.
Smuzzy
