In the fight to win back my fitness and health, I have learned that the things you love can sometimes break your heart. This summer I sustained my fifth knee injury on my right knee, warranting the fourth surgery of my college soccer career. I have made the journey from injury to health – from inability to competence – several times, and while I am proud of my resilience, each recovery has cost me an irrecoverable piece of myself. Unfortunately, I have spent more time in the training room doing physical therapy than I have on the field. So, in the interest of preserving my long-term health, I had to make the decision to stop playing.
Choosing to conclude this chapter of my life was the most difficult decision I have ever made. I strongly believe every athlete should be able to walk away from their sport on their own-terms. The hardest part of this process has been the lack of closure given that this decision was the result of a set of unwelcome circumstances rather than a conclusion I reached on my own. Thus, the past few months have been a process of allowing myself to grieve what could have been and move forward with what is.
While I feel empty knowing this marks the end of a journey, I am fulfilled by the intangibles – by the lessons I have learned, the people I have met, and the relationships I have cultivated as a result of my experience with this sport. I am incredibly fortunate to be part of a program that values my contributions off the field, affording me the opportunity to continue my involvement. My role will look different moving forward, but I will embrace it in recognition of the fact that building meaningful relationships and advocating for my teammates means more to me than any amount of playing time ever could.
There are days where I am at peace with my decision, and there are also days where I feel like I may never be able to accept this new reality. I am learning that the inability to compete in games doesn’t detract from my identity as an athlete, and that this decision doesn’t mean forfeiting my goals, but redefining them. Throughout this process, I have grappled with my mental health in a way that I never have before. It is an ongoing struggle to define my identity outside of my sport, but I am trying to be kind to myself as I navigate this newness. There is strength in persevering, but there is also strength in recognizing when it’s time to walk away. Here’s to putting my body first and making sure my knees are with me for the long run.
