The first time I acknowledged that I was mourning my own life while simultaneously living it, I felt weak. After decades of mental resiliency I was ashamed to tell anyone that I was lost; how do you ask someone to help you find your identity? Who could possibly begin to understand how one morning I was waking up an elite athlete and the next I was waking up angry with tears at the 3am gym-alarm I’d forgotten to delete… who even does that?
An athlete that no longer has a team does that… a retired athlete filled with grief does that… a person with love for something that is gone does that.
The anger and tears released at 3am were only the beginning. For two years I fought a silent battle for my own identity expression; inadequacy, self-disgust, purpose-less, forgotten, powerless and alone. I wish I could say I experienced an epiphany moment that changed my mindset and life forever; that’s just not me. My healing has looked eerily similar to athletic development; slow, steady, faith-focused and rooted in small, daily intention to improve.
I needed to remember that I was somebody before sports and that little girl of value was still a part of me.
Vulnerability: wow is this a fun word for strong, elite athletes or what!? — Vulnerability is where I began to find my identity. I stopped faking resiliency and answered, “how are you doing without sports” with an honest and painful, “not good at all – in fact I think I’m dying.” With a lump in my throat, I listened to the words of wisdom others shared with me that breathed life back into me; into my identity. As I removed myself from team-oriented social media, I cried. In full transparency, I’ve been crying the entire time I’ve been trying to write this — much of my love has nowhere to go and it still hurts.
After almost 25 years of high-level competition sports, I am about 1 year into healthy-retirement (those first 2 were brutal). While claiming to “be an athlete” no longer feels like me, I know I am athletic… I am still able. Who I am and what I am capable of did not cease alongside my career and this I get to celebrate. There is still so much learning and feeling to be had along this journey and I sincerely hope for joy through it all; for all.
