My freshman year of college at Sacred Heart University, someone came up to me – a complete stranger and said to me: “I see you around campus a lot and I don’t think I have ever seen you without a smile on your face.”
I remember in that moment, laughing and thanking them – as I stood there on crutches for the second time that semester – no more than 8 weeks into my first year at college. I would say I have always been known as the funny one, the sarcastic one and always trying to make others smile and laugh (at least, that’s what I hope)!
You’re probably wondering what the heck I am getting at – fair enough. I guess I will start by saying I am Devan Kane a former Division 1 women’s Ice Hockey goalie for Sacred Heart University in Fairfield Connecticut. Yeah the goalie piece explains a lot, eh? Prior to my collegiate career – I grew up in Scarborough, Maine with my family playing any sport that came my way and shocking no one at all – the class clown.
I have always been obsessed with sports and beyond competitive, probably to a fault. I love winning but also have found many lessons in the losses – both in life and on the ice, court or field. Being a good teammate and a good competitor has always been something I prided myself on – along with doing everything in my power to be the absolute best on the ice day in and day out. I was never supposed to make it to college athletics – not after starting at the age of 13 and going to public school. But I didn’t let that stop me.
When I did commit to play Division 1 Ice Hockey I was beyond excited – I can’t even really remember past my coach offering me a spot on the team. I had big hopes and dreams to continue the work to be the best I could be, including at the next level. That dream, all the hard work and training were quickly taken away when I had 2 knee surgeries my first 8 weeks on campus for a torn meniscus. This would be the start of a total of 5 surgeries and one season ending eye injury that would define my career as a Division 1 athlete.
For anyone who is competitive, even if not in athletics, you know what I mean when I say that my athletic ability and being a hockey player was my identity. That’s all I ever thought I was or could contribute to in life – I didn’t know any differently. So when I had 2 knee surgeries first semester freshman year and came back to then have an eye injury that ended my season, to have a hip surgery sophomore season and 2 more knee surgeries my senior year, one being a total rebuild, I knew that after each operation I was never going to be the goalie I once was. And that was just devastating.
Hockey was my safe space, my therapy – where I went to block out everything stressful in my life to have 2 hours of doing something that I not only loved, but was good at and made a positive impact on the game that was being played and the team surrounding me. When it was taken away from me, I absolutely broke. And by broke I mean that I had no idea what else was worth it in this life because as I said, all I was in my head was a hockey player and without that I was nothing.
After my second knee surgery was when I started to self-harm and eventually did attempt to take my life. I think that for people that don’t always understand; it’s not from lack of wanting to – it’s from fear of asking and making the person feel awkward. For example, since speaking up about my story – I have had people ask me “why self-harm” and I have had to explain that at least in my experience, I needed the voices in my head to stop and so in order to do that I brought physical pain upon myself to divert my brains attention. Healthy? No. But again, I was so lost, in a new place and away from home knowing that the one goal I had was taken from me.
I stopped going to class, I stopped eating, and very quickly realized that if I was able to show up for my knee’s physical therapy and hockey practice then no one would ask any questions. And then there is the smiling. Every day I was smiling, cracking jokes in the locker room, and smiling through every ounce of pain I had while watching my teammates play the sport that meant everything to me while I couldn’t. I didn’t ever think of speaking up or telling anyone because if I spoke up – that was a weakness. Saying I was hurting outside of the pain in my knee then I was weak and couldn’t ever be the athlete my coaches wanted me to be, that I wanted to be.
My athletic trainer, Casey Quinn read through me like a book and to this day she is the reason I am still alive. And I don’t say that lightly or for some bold statement – it’s true. She knew I wasn’t actually that happy all the time and wasn’t okay with being told by doctor after doctor that I couldn’t play or that I would never be able to be a goalie again – what athlete would be? But I didn’t want people to worry about me or take away from other’s hurt, I was going to be fine. And this is why I say all the time to people – check on your happy friends, too.
I have since been diagnosed with major depressive disorder, anxiety and do talk to a therapist (probably not as much as I should but she’s great). When I finally did speak up to Casey and tell her I needed help, I got that help and was never once judged for it. Not by her, not by my teammates or my coaches. If anything, they wanted me to know that I need to do whatever I need to do to be okay and ACTUALLY be okay. I started therapy at school toward the end of my freshman year and for 2 years went weekly to work through my stuff, create better coping skills that weren’t related to being a hockey player and to make sure that I never attempted to take my life again. I was finally in a better place and able to say, without shame of being judged, that I struggled and continue to struggle every day – despite the constant smiles and jokes. But, I got an idea.
I went to Casey and told her that I knew deep down that there was absolutely no way that I was the only one hurting in a school of almost 1000 Division 1 athletes. I decided to tell my story to the athletic department and create a platform at Sacred Heart for people – athletes in particular – to tell theirs. Because the biggest thing with mental health is that we think we are alone and the only one who feels this way, that speaking up is shameful – and it’s absolutely not. Speaking up saved my life.
With the help of Casey, my team and my coach – we created Heart to Heart. The platform that was completely created by athletes and based around the entire concept of heart to heart conversations where there is no stigma, there is no judgment, that at the end of the day – we are all in this together. In sports, we are only as strong as our weakest and if that weakest is hurting, we all are. And that is the mentality that helped build the foundation of Heart to Heart; that no matter what you are going through you are not alone. We have spread that on our Instagram, our Twitter and Facebook page – getting the 1000+ athletes and coaching staff behind us to make mental health conversations a part of everyday life. In practices, in games and in life. We all have mental health, we all have good days and we all have really bad ones.
I continue to share my story as much and as loud as I can, with the hope that it helps even one person. Even as now an “adult” (a stretch but I try) and no longer an athlete. I carry every lesson of my story with me and hope that once in for all there will be a day that we don’t see people think that suicide is the only way out. I am grateful that I have the ability to tell my story and that my attempt can instead be a lesson and not a tragedy, because I promise you that you have absolutely no idea how much you are loved and how worth it you are – I sure didn’t.
Build your life team. Stick up for others. And always ask people if they’re okay. You never know what others are going through, even if they “always have a smile on their face”.
Xo
Dev
@devankane30
@shuhearttoheart
